Sometimes I catch myself still in a state of shock when I remember I am pregnant. As most of you know, that is exactly what I am, pregnant! There was a time when I was seriously doubting whether or not I would be able to get pregnant, and that is the reason for this post. I never want to forget the miracle of this little baby.
From fairly soon into dating Grant and I had discussed how many children we thought we would want and how soon we would want them. Once we were engaged we talked about it more seriously and thought 2 years of marriage would be a good amount of time, but we both knew I should finish school as well. In January of 2010 I started feeling a little antsy about having children, I kept having a feeling like maybe it was time to start trying. Although, both of us knew there would be no way for me to finish school if we did have a baby so we held off, but I never stopped thinking about it. In April I went off birth control because I wanted it out of my system in case we did decide it was time (and I hated being on it). I still remember my first pregnancy "scare," I guess you could call it. It was 2 months since I'd been off the pill and I still hadn't had a period. My sister in law Christy gave me a pregnancy test to take and I remember being SO excited and SO nervous to take it, I knew it would be a huge life changer. Then I remember the let down when it was negative. It felt like I was opening up a birthday present only to find an empty box. My periods finally came back, but never super regular.
Grant and I both felt very strongly that we should start trying, or at least stop preventing in August of 2010. I never tracked my periods, or ovulation, I just figured it would happen. But then it didn't just happen, and continued to not happen. By the time December rolled around I was getting a little worried about it. I went to a doctor's appointment in January for a UTI, and she asked if I was pregnant. I told her I could be and that my husband and I were trying. She asked how long and I told her 5 almost 6 months. And then she gave me this look as if she was saying something is not right with you then. Apparently at BYU the whole "wait a year" thing isn't the norm. She told me to wait until the end of the month and then she would refer me to the fertility guy. That was the pointed I started to panic a little bit. A month later I went to a dermatologist appointment and she informed me that she thought I had PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Why would a dermatologist know anything about this? She didn't, nor should she have even said that. But, the seed was planted and I knew from ALL my research on infertility that PCOS was a HUGE factor in a lot of women being unable to get pregnant. At that point I became terrified. I called Grant on my way home and just started bawling and after he consoled me I called my mom and bawled some more. I was devastated. My hopes of getting pregnant were dashed right then.
Did I mention the entire would was getting pregnant during these months. I swear everyone I knew was announcing their pregnancies and as happy as I was for them, a part of me wanted to yell at them for being so insensitive to my problem (ridiculous right)?
The next few months consisted of more pregnancy tests and more throwing of pregnancy tests at the wall. I finally went to the Temple, duh Zaundra why didn't you go months ago right? In the Celestial room I just had the feeling of calm down, everything will work out and you will be happy. I felt peace about the situation. In April I was finally reunited with my husband after seeing each other once or twice a month for 4 months. My positive attitude was still intact. Then I started my period at the end of the month and all that positivity was out the window.
By the time June rolled around I was beginning to think we would be adopting our children and I was trying to come to terms with that. Grant and I decided that if we weren't pregnant by September we would see a fertility doctor. On July 9th Grant and I were grocery shopping and I was 6 weeks late, so I went to get a pregnancy test. Grant, trying to protect me told me not to worry about it, he didn't want to see me disappointed. But I told him "for some reason I can't give up hope, I'll just take it tomorrow and then at least I'll know," because not knowing was driving me crazy! Sunday morning I woke up knowing it was time to pee on my hundredth stick. I was just waiting for no line to appear, but then it did. I read the ENTIRE instruction manual to make sure I did everything right, I really thought it was a mistake. After a few minutes I went out to Grant in a daze and mumbled, "I think I'm pregnant." His response was really? I sat on his lap and cried for a moment and then we went to church and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I took 3 more pregnancy tests in the next day, all of them coming up as a clear positive. I WAS PREGNANT! It actually happened! The next week the nausea kicked in and I knew this was the real deal.
During this time I felt like I was the only person who couldn't get pregnant and it was super easy to put blame on myself and wonder what was wrong with me? But recently I've known a number of people who didn't have an easy road to pregnancy. It really is normal to take a while for everything to align just right, but if it's meant to it will, and the wait will be worth it. I realize a year really isn't that long compared to a lot of people who struggle much longer, but when you are wanting a sweet little baby, even a month feels like forever! I'm so grateful to be carrying this little babe and the amazing blessing and miracle that it is.